Letters to
 the Burger Guys

June2, 2000
My two kids and I have a hamburger hunt every Thursday night. Three
places we have tried that we like very much are Pinky's in Rio Linda,
Classic Burger on Northgate Blvd. and Hamburger Mary's. We also like
Nationwide but we also consider value into our rating system and it
comes up lacking. I have to disagree with you about Fords. I think it
is over-rated. I also think it has gone downhill but I never felt it
was very high up there to begin with. For great value there's a
hamburger stand on Folsom Blvd. just past 65th Street, called Burger
Chief. It's a great deal and certainly better than any fast food
chain....yet it's fast food priced.

Hi guys...just reviewed your burger link in the school website.
Just a question, have you tried The Squeeze Inn on Fruitridge at Power
Inn ?
  I'm guessing you haven't by your rankings. Give it a try and I'm
betting you will revise your top 5.
Don Chipman


YOU MUST TRY THE '' SQUEEZE INN ''    7918 Fruitridge Road
I am surprised your schools football team has not
made you aware of this extraordinary burger  establishment.
Ken & Ruth   (very biased owners)
P.S. The representatives of Cordova High School
that we have  joyfully come to know are some of the
most well  mannered young adults to frequent our business.
An obvious testimony to parents and teachers alike.



TO: The so-called "Burgers Guys":
FROM: A "true" expert.
Come on now! I didn't notice any mention in your list of Tiny's on
Fulton...surely an oversight by you two learned "authorities" (smile). I was
first made aware of Tiny's by seing it voted for several years running in
Sacramento Magazine as the "Best Burger in Town", so I decided to give it a
shot. In my estimation (which, judging from my high cholesterol count due to
consuming burgers on average 5 times a week must be of obvious value) it
reigns supreme not only in Sacramento, but also in the western U.S. (with the
possible exception of Dee's In-and-Out Burgers -no relation to the In-and-Out
chain- in Portland, OR).
So, next time you decide to pontificate as to burger excellence, if you
guys really expect to be taken seriously, you might want to consider being a
tad bit more thorough, research your field of study just a little bit more
adequately, and not make an oversight of like magnitude as forgetting to
include Coca-Cola in a soft drink contest, or Ford in an automobile
comparison, since I am obviously not alone in this, not mere opinion, but
rather observation concerning the King of Sac burgers, Tiny's.
Do the math, boys!

Oh my very slow reader,
You need to sit down and if you can read, spend some time with each  of our reviews. Sacramento Magazine did rate Tiny's number one, but in the same article it said that McDonalds fries were the best fries in Sacramento.
Have you ever had a Tiny's burger and compared it to our list?
Our Tinys review will be posted later this month, but look towards the bottom of our list - in about the same location of your high school graduating position.
Dr. Meat

May 31, 2000
Fords? I will be making a special trip there on Friday with a group of
guys, if this place is not top notch, heads will roll! ( just kidding about
the heads)
Anthony L. Walker
                                 Mr. Walker,
                                                      Let me remind you that we are the Burger Guys, the Doctors of Taste.  However, this list is far from complete.  This is a work in progress and do believe that it will be one of the best burgers you have ever had.  

May 27, 2000
I have to remind myself that the Doctors of Taste must be decadently rich.  The time and dedication it takes to produce this series of reviews must be incredible.  I foresee these writers developing into American icons.  The humility and grace these
Doctors carry themselves is worthy of an award.  I am proud to be a loyal reader.  Keep up the good work gentlemen.
                            The Fan

                                             We have many fans from around the world, and praise from the mutant public really doesn't mean much to us.  If you believe that were are as great as we are, send money.
                                                                    Prof. Beef

May 16, 2000
Burger guys,
Why do your burgers bounce and spin? Just curious.
In-and-Out fan
                           Dr. Meat

May 8, 2000

Dear Burger Guys
In response to your review of the "Deli" also known as Bernie's, I would like to say that today I had the pleasure of having lunch with Bernie.  I took a friend for his first time not only for the food but the ambience.  You see Bernies reminds me of the "Soup Nazi" from the Seinfeld show, except Bernie is much nicer.  You do however get the feeling that if you are in the mood for a burger and fries and find out that he was not in the mood to stop at the store on the way home for more burger, shut-up and order something else.   (everything is good)  The reason he does not have a phone is because  he got sick of salesmen calling so he ripped it out of the wall.  As far as his hours, you are right, you never know, so do not get to excited, you show up and see if he is open.  He does things his way, freedom, the American way and I love it.  Bernie could care less about your review good or bad, in fact he would probably prefer that you keep your review  to yourself if it is good, he does not want to work to hard and makes no bones about it. He closes at 7:00pm, (if he is open at all), during the week and breakfast only on the weekends if you are lucky.
                                                       Fondly Gold River-Orangevale Sue


May 2, 2000
As a highly trained athlete, distance runner, and muscle bound weight lifter I feel your
column can and will lead may youth down a path toward nutritional destruction.  You
encourage kids to eat sandwiches high in calories and saturated fats when you should be
extolling the virtues of moderation and choosing lean cuts of meat.  What is wrong with a
good chicken sandwich sautéed in a bean curd sauce with a breadcrumb topping or a glass of skim milk with a bagel, bran muffin or whole-wheat peanut butter cookie.  Patience is a
virtue.  Sure we are a fast food society.  But honestly, how long does it take to prepare two
dozen sunflower seed cookies and a nutritious summer salad made with a liberal dousing of a
healthy-heart dressing?  It takes work to produce a lean sculpted body.  Tell Dr. Meat and
Prof. Beef that they have a more important obligation to society than to stuff their fat out
shape old bodies in the name of journalism.
                                                             The Man
              Yo Treelicker,
                                                     We don't go into the gym and smack the crap out of you when you are playing jazzercise, so don't follow us into Fatburger and critique what you know nothing about.  Just as you don't mind wearing pink tights and eating tofu and wheat germ, we have no problem squeezing into our 45" real man Levi's, tied up to a working man's set of suspenders.   I suggest that you go on back to your alfalfa farm and save a whale because we will be here long after your skinny rear end is pushing up asparagus. 

                                                                               Dr. Meat

May 1, 2000

As I fall into the abyss of dumb and dumber known locally as "The Burger Guys", I can't help but feel I just experienced Dante's Inferno".  The constant belittlng of one another has very little to do with a review of a food.  It appears Prof. Burger and Dr. Meat have run out of things to say about such a simple subject therefore, they both degrade into verbal abuse.  I along with BOTH your other readers will boycott this column until it raises itself to the original quality that made you two what you are today.
                                   Gold River Sue
Gold River Sue,
                             If my husband was getting intellectually punked, I would try and defend him too, but you are going to have to let Meat (your husband) fight his own battles.  I have dropped him to the canvas a few times, but I am not killing him.  I even let him take a few verbal punches at me.  It is very obvious that he is far from being my equal, but having his woman stand in front and beg for mercy is very embarrassing.  Let him be a man!!!!!!

                                                                                                    PROF. BEEF

April 24, 2000

Dear Burger Dorks,
 When are you going to get out of the "burbs" and into the city where the real chefs are.  Every burger you two have reviewed so far have been national, state, or local chains.  I was hoping for something innovative when you came on the web, but you are just a couple or corporate yes men!
                                                                 Midtown Mike
 Reply:  Dear MM,
 Before you shoot your uninformed mouth off again it is best to read first, presuming you can.  We have said on numerous occasions, we are establishing a base, a point of reference so when we do go out to Ford's, Nationwide, or the Squeeze we will be able to use analogy for clarification purposes on some of the finer points of dining in the non-chain establishments.  If we would have started with the mom and pop places losers like you would be writing in and asking how the burger we just reviewed compares to a "Big Mac"!
 Remember when your second grade teacher said, "there is no such thing as a stupid question" ?  She lied, most questions are stupid and can be answered by listening or reading.  Reading as in a column written by two of the most informed burgerologists in the five county area.  So Midtown Mike, why don't you take your Honda Elite scooter over to Java City or some other coffee bar with internet access, plug in the lap top, light up one of those cloves, put on your lavender shaded glasses, and read us.  You'll like us.
                                                            Dr. Meat

April 13, 2000

Waaaaasabbbbbbeee guys,
 Wow!  How many Dr.'s do you have on that campus?  In a quick glance at the staff I saw a couple of Dr.s in the English Dept, a couple in the Health Dept. (Yo! Raz.  Go Torino), and now you two.  What's up?  Are they giving away those things?
                                  D. Dalton  "73"
 Reply:  Impressive isn't it?  Dr. Meat

Dear Burger Guys,

Are you ever going to review another all American favorite: the onion ring?  Some of us hate potatoes, and we live for a great big basket of greasy onion rings.
  Dianne the Princess
 Dear Princess,
 Where do I start?  First, when I come to Gold River at that corner and tell you how to dance with that real estate sign, feel free to tell me how to do my job.  Second, onion rings are to varied, they are all over the place.  They need to pick a team and stay with them.  I have traveled far and wide in this state and I have seen everything from the thinly sliced mountain of rings served at the "Cheesecake Factory" in San Diego, to those things at the state fair that could double as a spare tire in a Toyota Tercel, and don't even mention the "Blossom Clones". The next issue is all the sauces, if a product needs all that effort they must be hiding something.  A sauce is placed on a food to enhance the food, not the other way around.  I bet the people stuffing their faces right now at "The Outback" on one of their "Awesome Blossoms", wish they could suck the sauce off the onion spear and double dip it.  Remember we are here to keep it real.  Go to the Sacramento Bee if you want a corporate generalities.
                                                     Dr.  Meat

Dear Fry Guys,

 Yeah that's what you are.  You spend so much time deconstructing the lowly potato that when you finally attempt a review at the hamburger you seem to run out of steam.  Save some of those "pearls" for the meat you "spud-heads".  How many times can you say "fries are terrible" ?
  Bobby of Placerville
 Reply: Dear Bobbing in Placerville, 
I too sometimes tire of the same old review of the same old fry.  The perfect fry is such a simple thing: a whole white Russet potato, sliced lengthwise 1cmx1cmxlength, skins on, immersed into hot oil for a few minutes, and then salted.  No games, no freezing, no weird salts, and no chili-cheese.  I along with my partner will continue our quest for nature's perfection.  A well prepared basket off fries is nothing short of a gift, combine this with the perfect burger, an expertly mixed fountain soft drink in a Styrofoam cup of chopped ice and you have an all American meal, seldom attained but always attempted.  We as dedicated public servants (we are not getting paid, free gear, or even free refills so far), feel it is our duty to inform you, the reader, of the "attempters" and the "attainers".

April 12, 2000
Hey Meat(s)!
When are you two going to stop with the chain burger places, and move on to
the Mom & Pop places? We all get the picture that if you want a good
cheeseburger, fries, and coke (I agree, no Pepsi - coke), you should NOT go
to a fast food place. Move on Guys! This is getting depressing!
Signed,  "Waiting to Hear About the Realllllllly Good Places to Partake!"
Reply:  If it wasn't for the Burger Guys, you would not have known that you were eating garbage.  We educated you!  We pointed you out from the dark cave you were living.  A little education is a dangerous thing, and that is obvious from your premature comment.  We are slowing walking our brain dead readers out of the depth of ignorance and into the enlightened world that we live.  Be patient; we know what is best for you.  You still do not have the ability to distinguish between good, great and perfect.  Walk slowly, Grasshopper, or you will fail to see the burger hell in which you live.  We have been in your shoes and have transcended  your lowly state.  Remember, we care.

April 3, 2000

What's up with the reviews dudes??  I saw your ratings on Friday and I have yet to see what you two dorks have to say about America's best burger chain: Fudruckers!!!  Too much Basketball for you, or was it the Three Stooges Marathon on Channel 25 that got you a little behind in your work.  Why don't you leave food reviews up to real columnist that understands what a deadline is, like Mick Dunne.  If you two dorks didn't suck so much I'd swear you were gravity.

                                                                    Scott Jopp, Elk Grove 

PS.  Go ahead and use my name, because by the time you finally come around to kickin' my @ss I'll be moved, dead, or another geologic epoch will be upon us.

Reply:  I too await the column updates with baited breath, but alas my partner is only one man (even that is up for debate), he is the computer brains behind this operation.  I am the columnist, artistic engineer, and the soul of this column.  If there is some computer glitch or some other highly technical term for crash we are at the mercy of a technology that few seem to comprehend.  I assure that for all my partner's short comings in taste, style, and command of the writtten language he is doing all that is humanly possible for this column.  Either that or he is a finalist in "Lord Of the Strap" at Faces again.
                                                                                                                                                                     Dr. Meat

March 31, 2000

Dear B G's,

        First of all I find your column amusing and even a tad harmless, but when are you going to get on with some reviews?  There is a great big world of burgers out there and I feel you are dinking around with the fast food chains.  Have you no worldliness, do you ever go to a restaurant that doesn't appear on the Fortune 500 report?  A real man could eat at least 2 burgers a day!  I bet in real life you two are a couple of pencil neck geeks trying to compete with the men in this county.  Never send a school teacher to do a man's job.  We need "Rolland the Colon" from KHTK Sports 1140, he at least can down a double with cheese everyday of the week.

                                             Brock Masters,  Citrus Heights

 Dear Block,
           Unlike "Rolland the Colon" we can write, analyze, and critique with a bit of expertise.  Like a great book or even a good movie you need to allow time for character and plot development.  Life is not an episode of "Real World" or some porn flick.  A great column, like a great burger takes time and it must be savored.
                                          Dr.  Meat

March 26, 2000
Dear Head Burger Guy,
I was crushed to read the following sentence on the home page:
>>Mr. Anklam will not be able to guide the pom-pom team today due to an
injury he received playing Frisbee golf.<<
Please reassure me that his injury won't hinder his burger reviewing
abilities. With spring break fast approaching I think the burger guys are
way overdue for a road trip. This burger aficionado suggests a trip to LA is
in order and a stop at Tommie's is imperative. If at all possible make sure
you visit the Rampart location just off the Hollywood freeway (Rampart exit).
Don't let the bars on the windows of all the neighboring houses discourage you :-)
Yours in burgers and fries,
A loyal reader from Folsom

Dear Folsom,
                  I will be reviewing burgers with a vengeance since that's all can do now.  After a serious injury an athlete like myself can only cling to what is real, and for me that is eating.  I will be out and about driving with one hand and eating with one hand until I can rehab" myself into Olympian form again.  Tearing the medial head of my biceps was painful and it will impact my life profoundly, but at least I didn't injure my tasting muscles.  Also I have been to the Rampart of LA and I have enjoyed a couple of good burritos, an excellent chicken dinner (actually in Watts), I was very unimpressed with the burger offerings there.
                                                                           Dr. Meat

March 19, 2000
Dear Burger guys,
I am deeply offended that both of you think the middle-class masses are not
up to your particular standards for determining what is "the best" burger?
Please list all of the criteria you and use for judging, not only the
burger it self but presentation and grease stains on the wrapper. You know,
really, really important stuff. Are the items arranged in the box well or
just jammed in? Do the burgers touch? Are there the same amount of french
fries in every ones box? I have very high expectations all around not just
the burger. How about you?

Dear Deeply Offended,
      Once again I repeat "the Sat -9" scores don't lie.  Read the original data and parameters we set up for this column.
If you were to leave your name I could send you a "stumped on phonics" home course and maybe you could respond intelligently toward our elaborate prose.
                                          Dr Meat

Dear Burger Guys,
Are you just teasing us with your comments to emails regarding In-N-Out? You haven't "officially" given a review, but you're touting their goodness? Isn't that the cart before the horse?
Also, I would like to see the most recent letters first so I don't have to scroll down to see what's new. I also spotted a burger place on Rockingham Drive & Mather Field Road called Burger Station, or Burger Spot, something like that. It is right next door to LaBou. Their sign looked good. Neon flames saying "flame broiled." I know nothing about this place, just spotted it driving by.
Keep up the good work!
       We are very sorry that we jumped the gun on our review on In-N-Out.  Your comments are very respected by the Burger Guys.  We will definitely give the Burger Station a shot very soon.
Any restaurant with neon flames deserves our review.

Dear Dr. Meat,
I'll address this to you since you are the only one who is man enought to use his real picture (homely as it is).  I am a petite socialite that loves to tear into a real burger.  Sometimes I even wear jeans as a clever disguise and go to places that I wouldn't be caught dead in to enjoy one of America's classics.  My issue is how can a distinguished upstanding member of the community such as I enjoy a double with cheese with a certain air of sophistication
                                                            Gold River Sue

 Dear Gold River Sue,
You came to the right man, unlike my Neaderthal colleague I have the addendum to Emily Post's guide to eating.  Let me paraphrase: hold the burger with both hands (I realize Prof. Burger says you need one for your drink but....), keep your pinkies up, take a bite, place the burger down, and immediately (this is so important), wipe your mouth and remove any sauces or grease while chewing.  That way you won't have that embarrassing mustard in the corner of mouth while you worry if your date is analyzing the way you chew.  By wiping and chewing (referred to as WAC in polite circles) you won't have to concern your proper self and you can hold your head high when you run into your equally sophisticated neighbors at Bel Air.
 Dr. Meat

March 17 2000

Dear Burger Guys,
                            I love your page, but you really have to try eating at In & Out.  It is the 
                             best burger in the state.
                                                                           Robert R.
              Thanks for writing in and being our first contributor. You are, however, going to have to give us some time to get to some these restaurants.  We are not even officially on-line yet, but In & Out is on the top of our list.

Dr. Meat has to get to In-and-Out. The very best in town, bar none. So
much better than the rest. One visit there and he will never go back to
any other burger joint, unless of course he absolutely has to have the toys.
An In-and-Out fan.
In-and-Out fan,
The Burger Guys will be dining at your favorite restaurant this week.
However, let me remind you that The Burger Guys are the experts in this field and not you.  We will tell you what is a good cheeseburger and you will just agree; we have found that readers are very limited in their knowledge and need our advice.

Dear Burger Guys,
While I agree completely with your review of Wendy's (yuk!), I felt the other reviews of the "commercial" fast food places were pretty much right on. I am glad to see that you are rating the fries also. Because what is a burger without fries?
Also, I do not understand people who order "iced tea", or "lemonade" with burgers and fries. This meal of a burger and fries screams for a "coke." The All-American meal.
I did however, miss your review of Carl's Jr. It was listed, but not readable. What happened?   Am enjoying the reviews so far, keep up the good work.
   Jan,   You are truly a great American, and we salute you.  We too feel your hunger pains.
Every time we dine on a cheeseburger and fries, we wash them down with America's drink, Coke.

March 15, 2000

Greetings Meat Heads or Meat Loaf or whatever,
You must try Willies off of Broadway.  Greasy, but good
It is very obvious that you are a member of the lemming rabble without the convictions of identifying yourself.  This may be wise; let the Burger Guys determine if this restaurant is "good."  It is now on our list of establishments to visit


Dear Burger Guys,
  As experts of all things meaty I'm sure you appreciate trying new things.  I ask you then, have either of you ever had a buffalo, emu, or ostrich ostrich burger?  Betty Jo  Reese     Rosemont
Dear Betty Jo,  
 I would like to reply to you and the rest of the nonreaders out there (jeez those SAT-9 scores don't lie do they????), we are reviewing hamburgers of equal size and proportions....only!  No chicken, no turkey, no "nutty", and especially no wild game burgers.  In the interest of science I have had 1/2 of an emu burger at the state fair, an ostrich burger in Auburn, a buffalo burger at "Moose burgers" in East Glacier Park Montana, and a few other burgers I am not proud to have eaten.  It just doesn't feel right to stray so far away from the one you love; the all American classis 1/3 pound patty with cheese, and a pile of fresh condiments.  Dr. Meat

When you finally leave your safe little haven and branch out to worldly burgers, you must go to Connies in North Highlands.  Order the double with cheese and you will never go back to In and Out for their puny burger.  Larry Flagler, Alkali Flats
All those institution burgers you have consumed at Loaves and Fishes must have gone to your head and clouded your judgment.  Once again, we tell you where to go, not visa versa!  Sure we love to take suggestions, but we do not take orders from the general population.  About your comments, I am sure you are referring to the number one rating of In and Out.  For our money and our sophisticated taste buds it is one of the best regional chains out there.  All we are saying is you are on a road trip, cruising down I-5 in your '83 Plymouth Fury wagon and you are confronted with a barrage of the big 5 burgers and there is an In and Out in the mess too....Go to In and Out!  You won't be disappointed.  We as burger experts realize that there are lots of small businesses out there that make an awesome product and we hope to review them all!   Dr. Meat


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