7811 Madison Ave.  Citrus Heights

Prof. Beef

Dr. Meat

Very seldom do the Burger Guys listen to our vacuous readers' suggestions on  restaurants needed to be reviewed.  Let me remind every unconscious pin-head that reads this column - we are the experts.  We are the future Pulitzer pundits that author this world renowned web site.  Without us, most of our readers would still be Pac-Manning from dry burgers and frozen fries to dry burgers and frozen fries.  While it is universally acknowledged that we have reached the pinnacle of burger reviewdom, we do recognize that there are other interns of the intestine with an occasional drop of wisdom.

Dixie Reid in her weekly newspaper column "Check Please" repeated quoted a Roger Krum and listed his top eight hamburger restaurants in the area.  The Burger Guys, being all knowing and supreme in this arena, had intimate dealings with the restaurants in his misguided list except for one, the Sacramento Brewing Company's Oasis.
Dr. Meat has awoken many mornings on the floor of their spacious bar but was unaware that our potential golden burger may have been just a few feet away in the restaurant.  Missing a serendipitous event, I pushed Meat passed the bar, pried the mug out of his hands and replaced it with a fork and menu.   

The restaurant was airy and trying to capture an Egyptian, pyramid theme.  Having dined many times in Cairo and Alexandria, I found the Oasis to be a hollow, cardboard image and lacked any soul.  While Meat was wrestling with another bout of delirium tremens, I looked up at the patrons and was confronted with the ghosts or our burger eating future.  There were more wrinkles in that room than in a kennel full of Shar-Pei.  Even with his red and unfocused eyes, Meat sat eerily silent as we scanned across the room at the silver headed seventy year olds.  Three walkers were double parked at one corner booth and two squat oxygen tanks appeared to be dancing to the big band beats of Jimmy Dorsey.  At the Sunday table top buffet, toothless shufflers felt around for oatmeal and stewed prunes.

The Oasis has an extensive menu including calamari, grilled artichokes, hummus, salads, a large vegetarian selection, sandwiches, pizza and dinners.  I ordered the half pound Oasis Burger with cheese and fries at a cost of only $5.95.  The patty was a tasteless yet fresh and unseasoned monster.  It was big and juicy but had the flavor of Vaseline and left the inside of my mouth coated with a film of oil that two hours of spitting could not relieve.   To add to the horror, it was placed on a layer of warm mayo.  Understanding the dilemma the cook put our waitress in, she placed a metal basket with horseradish, catsup and mustards on our table.  I tried to concoct an edible sauce, but this band aid failed to stop the bleeding.  Set off to the side was a flower arrangement of butter lettuce, sliced red onion, two slices of sweet tomato and a big quartered deli dill pickle.  

After this major league strikeout, the bun was a hit.  It was a  big fluffy, toasted and then steamed sesame seed bun.  It was in the class of most top rated burger establishments.   The fries, however, were a high quality frozen spud that looked good but lacked any flavor.  Besides being hot and salty, all that was there was some joyless calories.  Despite being hungry, the bun was the only item that I totally consumed.

The burger at the Oasis is a great meal for those who have memorized the location of the Depends at the local Safeway and the phone number for the Neptune Society and also require a bland diet that won't conflict with a Tupperware bowl full of multicolored medication.  While Meat may still visit the hip bar, we are still searching for that golden burger and fries.

Bar-burgers are the staple of all sports bar enthusiasts.   However, in my vast experience of burger dining I have yet to sample a high quality bar-burger.  Maybe it's the alcohol, the hot wings, or the garlic fries that deaden the typical bar patron's senses, but for some reason bar-burgers are usually just medium quality (almost as if the bar owner did not care enough to put a real effort into the All American Classic).  If you the reader refrain from taverns, just go to a Denny's or any other coffee shop, and you will experience a typical bar-burger.
We went to the Sacramento Brewing Company; Sunrise At the Oasis for their entry into the Burger Guy's web of fame.  The decor of this place is Egyptian Art Deco, very clean, and seating that is loosely based on a caste system.  If you are a jock type there is plenty of seating in the bar (including barstools, bistro tables, and booths), if you are a Young Urban Professional and you want to chat loudly about your investment portfolio there is patio seating, and if you have blue hair and you need room for your nurse and a respirator there is the dining room.  As a former athlete (you probably remember when I scored four touchdowns for Port High as the greatest moment in all of sport), I felt most comfortable at a bistro table in the bar.
A wonderful waitress took my order for the SBC Max Burger with fries for $7.95, it was a 1/2 pounder with cheddar.  Although I was very impressed with service, I was soon disappointed with the burger.  As predicted it came open faced for me to assemble (I knew the presentation would be weak)!  At $8.00 I think the kitchen staff can handle the assembly process.  There was no sauce except a slight wipe of yellowy mayo and they placed four different mustard bottles at my table for me to peruse at my leisure.  The burger was large and cooked properly, but it only had a hint of salt for taste. The bun was a decent Munzio Bakery creation that gave the burger a little respect.  Don't even get me started on the "day old produce", once again there was the obligatory frozen with the skins on fries, and as a saving grace they offer all the fine Coca Cola products.
It's obvious people don't go to sports bars, taverns, and brewpubs for the burgers therefore, the effort in the area of burgers is mediocre at best.  Emphasis seems to be on size in these typically male habitats and not on taste.  For some males a burger is just feed in between beers, but for the Burger Guys an All American Classic done up well is a rare treat that is to be savored, not just endured so you can brag to the fellas how you ate the "Six Pounder at Charlies". 


Point Total 63
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