Letters to
the Burger Guys
June2, 2000
My two kids and I have a hamburger hunt every Thursday night. Three
places we have tried that we like very much are Pinky's in Rio Linda,
Classic Burger on Northgate Blvd. and Hamburger Mary's. We also like
Nationwide but we also consider value into our rating system and it
comes up lacking. I have to disagree with you about Fords. I think it
is over-rated. I also think it has gone downhill but I never felt it
was very high up there to begin with. For great value there's a
hamburger stand on Folsom Blvd. just past 65th Street, called Burger
Chief. It's a great deal and certainly better than any fast food
chain....yet it's fast food priced.
Hi guys...just reviewed your burger link in the school
website.
Just a question, have you tried The Squeeze Inn on Fruitridge at Power
Inn ? I'm guessing you haven't by your rankings. Give it a try and
I'm
betting you will revise your top 5.
Regards,
Don Chipman
YOU MUST TRY THE '' SQUEEZE INN '' 7918
Fruitridge Road
I am surprised your schools football team has not
made you aware of this extraordinary burger establishment.
Respectfully,
Ken & Ruth (very biased owners)
P.S. The representatives of Cordova High School
that we have joyfully come to know are some of the
most well mannered young adults to frequent our business.
An obvious testimony to parents and teachers alike.
THE SQUEEZE IN HAS THE BEST BURGERS, AND FRIES IN SACRAMENTO.
ALL THERE OTHER FOOD IS GREAT TOO. YOU SHOULD CHECK IT OUT IF YOU
HAVEN'T YET.
GARRET HOUSE CHS 96'
TO: The so-called "Burgers Guys":
FROM: A "true" expert.
Come on now! I didn't notice any mention in your list of Tiny's on
Fulton...surely an oversight by you two learned "authorities" (smile).
I was
first made aware of Tiny's by seing it voted for several years running in
Sacramento Magazine as the "Best Burger in Town", so I decided to give
it a
shot. In my estimation (which, judging from my high cholesterol count due to
consuming burgers on average 5 times a week must be of obvious value) it
reigns supreme not only in Sacramento, but also in the western U.S. (with the
possible exception of Dee's In-and-Out Burgers -no relation to the In-and-Out
chain- in Portland, OR).
So, next time you decide to pontificate as to burger excellence, if you
guys really expect to be taken seriously, you might want to consider being a
tad bit more thorough, research your field of study just a little bit more
adequately, and not make an oversight of like magnitude as forgetting to
include Coca-Cola in a soft drink contest, or Ford in an automobile
comparison, since I am obviously not alone in this, not mere opinion, but
rather observation concerning the King of Sac burgers, Tiny's.
Do the math, boys!
Oh my very slow reader,
You need to sit down and if you can read, spend some time with each of our
reviews. Sacramento Magazine did rate Tiny's number one, but in the same article
it said that McDonalds fries were the best fries in Sacramento.
Have you ever had a Tiny's burger and compared it to our list?
Our Tinys review will be posted later this month, but look towards the bottom of
our list - in about the same location of your high school graduating position.
Dr. Meat
May 31, 2000
Fords? I will be making a special trip there on Friday with a group of
guys, if this place is not top notch, heads will roll! ( just kidding about
the heads)
Anthony L. Walker
Mr. Walker,
Let me remind you that we are the Burger Guys, the Doctors of Taste.
However, this list is far from complete. This is a work in progress and do
believe that it will be one of the best burgers you have ever had.
May 27, 2000
I have to remind myself that the Doctors of Taste must be decadently
rich. The time and dedication it
takes to produce this series of reviews must be incredible.
I foresee these writers developing into American icons.
The humility and grace these
Doctors carry themselves is worthy of an award.
I am proud to be a loyal reader. Keep
up the good work gentlemen.
Sincerely,
The Fan
Fan,
We have many fans from around the world, and praise from the mutant public
really doesn't mean much to us. If you believe that were are as great as
we are, send money.
Prof. Beef
May 16, 2000
Burger guys,
Why do your burgers bounce and spin? Just curious.
In-and-Out fan
Huh?
Dr. Meat
May 8, 2000
Dear Burger Guys
In response to your review of the "Deli" also known as Bernie's,
I would like to say that today I had the pleasure of having lunch with Bernie.
I took a friend for his first time not only for the food but the ambience.
You see Bernies reminds me of the "Soup Nazi" from the Seinfeld
show, except Bernie is much nicer. You do however get the feeling that
if you are in the mood for a burger and fries and find out that he was not in
the mood to stop at the store on the way home for more burger, shut-up and
order something else. (everything is good) The reason he
does not have a phone is because he got sick of salesmen calling so he
ripped it out of the wall. As far as his hours, you are right, you never
know, so do not get to excited, you show up and see if he is open. He
does things his way, freedom, the American way and I love it. Bernie
could care less about your review good or bad, in fact he would probably
prefer that you keep your review to yourself if it is good, he does not
want to work to hard and makes no bones about it. He closes at 7:00pm, (if he
is open at all), during the week and breakfast only on the weekends if you are
lucky.
Fondly Gold River-Orangevale Sue
May 2, 2000
As a highly trained athlete, distance runner, and muscle bound weight
lifter I feel your
column can and will lead may youth down a path toward nutritional destruction.
You
encourage kids to eat sandwiches high in calories and saturated fats when you
should be
extolling the virtues of moderation and choosing lean cuts of meat. What
is wrong with a
good chicken sandwich sautéed in a bean curd sauce with a breadcrumb topping or
a glass of skim milk with a bagel, bran muffin or whole-wheat peanut butter
cookie. Patience is a
virtue. Sure we are a fast food society. But honestly, how long does
it take to prepare two
dozen sunflower seed cookies and a nutritious summer salad made with a liberal
dousing of a
healthy-heart dressing? It takes work to produce a lean sculpted body.
Tell Dr. Meat and
Prof. Beef that they have a more important obligation to society than to stuff
their fat out
shape old bodies in the name of journalism.
Sincerely,
The Man
Yo Treelicker,
We don't go into the gym and smack the crap out of you when you are playing
jazzercise, so don't follow us into Fatburger and critique what you know nothing
about. Just as you don't mind wearing pink tights and eating tofu and
wheat germ, we have no problem squeezing into our 45" real man Levi's, tied
up to a working man's set of suspenders. I suggest that you go on
back to your alfalfa farm and save a whale because we will be here long after
your skinny rear end is pushing up asparagus.
Dr. Meat
May 1, 2000
As I fall into the abyss of dumb and dumber known locally as "The
Burger Guys", I can't help but feel I just experienced Dante's
Inferno". The constant belittlng of one another has very little to
do with a review of a food. It appears Prof. Burger and Dr. Meat have
run out of things to say about such a simple subject therefore, they both
degrade into verbal abuse. I along with BOTH your other readers will
boycott this column until it raises itself to the original quality that made
you two what you are today.
Gold River Sue
Gold River Sue,
If my husband was getting intellectually punked, I would try and defend him
too, but you are going to have to let Meat (your husband) fight his own
battles. I have dropped him to the canvas a few times, but I am not
killing him. I even let him take a few verbal punches at me. It is
very obvious that he is far from being my equal, but having his woman stand in
front and beg for mercy is very embarrassing. Let him be a man!!!!!!
PROF. BEEF
April 24, 2000
Dear Burger Dorks,
When are you going to get out of the "burbs" and into the
city where the real chefs are. Every burger you two have reviewed so far
have been national, state, or local chains. I was hoping for something
innovative when you came on the web, but you are just a couple or corporate
yes men!
Midtown Mike
Reply: Dear MM,
Before you shoot your uninformed mouth
off again it is best to read first, presuming you can. We have said on
numerous occasions, we are establishing a base, a point of reference so when
we do go out to Ford's, Nationwide, or the Squeeze we will be able to use
analogy for clarification purposes on some of the finer points of dining in
the non-chain establishments. If we would have started with the mom and
pop places losers like you would be writing in and asking how the burger we
just reviewed compares to a "Big Mac"!
Remember when your second grade teacher
said, "there is no such thing as a stupid question" ? She
lied, most questions are stupid and can be answered by listening or reading.
Reading as in a column written by two of the most informed burgerologists in
the five county area. So Midtown Mike, why don't you take your Honda
Elite scooter over to Java City or some other coffee bar with internet access,
plug in the lap top, light up one of those cloves, put on your lavender shaded
glasses, and read us. You'll like us.
Dr. Meat
April 13, 2000
Waaaaasabbbbbbeee guys,
Wow! How many Dr.'s do you have on that campus? In a
quick glance at the staff I saw a couple of Dr.s in the English Dept, a
couple in the Health Dept. (Yo! Raz. Go Torino), and now you two.
What's up? Are they giving away those things?
D. Dalton "73"
Reply: Impressive isn't it?
Dr. Meat
Dear Burger Guys,
Are you ever going to review another all American favorite: the onion
ring? Some of us hate potatoes, and we live for a great big basket of
greasy onion rings.
Dianne the Princess
Dear Princess,
Where do I start? First, when I
come to Gold River at that corner and tell you how to dance with that real
estate sign, feel free to tell me how to do my job. Second, onion
rings are to varied, they are all over the place. They need to pick a
team and stay with them. I have traveled far and wide in this state
and I have seen everything from the thinly sliced mountain of rings served
at the "Cheesecake Factory" in San Diego, to those things at the
state fair that could double as a spare tire in a Toyota Tercel, and don't
even mention the "Blossom Clones". The next issue is all the
sauces, if a product needs all that effort they must be hiding something.
A sauce is placed on a food to enhance the food, not the other way around.
I bet the people stuffing their faces right now at "The Outback"
on one of their "Awesome Blossoms", wish they could suck the sauce
off the onion spear and double dip it. Remember we are here to keep it
real. Go to the Sacramento Bee if you want a corporate generalities.
Dr. Meat
Dear Fry Guys,
Yeah that's what you are. You spend so much time deconstructing
the lowly potato that when you finally attempt a review at the hamburger you
seem to run out of steam. Save some of those "pearls" for the
meat you "spud-heads". How many times can you say "fries
are terrible" ?
Bobby of Placerville
Reply:
Dear Bobbing in Placerville,
I too sometimes tire of the same old review of
the same old fry. The perfect fry is such a simple thing: a whole white Russet
potato, sliced lengthwise 1cmx1cmxlength, skins on, immersed into hot oil for
a few minutes, and then salted. No games, no freezing, no weird salts,
and no chili-cheese. I along with my partner will continue our quest for
nature's perfection. A well prepared basket off fries is nothing short
of a gift, combine this with the perfect burger, an expertly mixed fountain
soft drink in a Styrofoam cup of chopped ice and you have an all American
meal, seldom attained but always attempted. We as dedicated public
servants (we are not getting paid, free gear, or even free refills so far),
feel it is our duty to inform you, the reader, of the "attempters"
and the "attainers".
April 12, 2000
Hey Meat(s)!
When are you two going to stop with the chain burger places, and move on to
the Mom & Pop places? We all get the picture that if you want a good
cheeseburger, fries, and coke (I agree, no Pepsi - coke), you should NOT go
to a fast food place. Move on Guys! This is getting depressing!
Signed, "Waiting to Hear About the Realllllllly Good Places to
Partake!"
Reply: If it wasn't for the Burger
Guys, you would not have known that you were eating garbage. We educated
you! We pointed you out from the dark cave you were living. A little
education is a dangerous thing, and that is obvious from your premature
comment. We are slowing walking our brain dead readers out of the depth of
ignorance and into the enlightened world that we live. Be patient; we know
what is best for you. You still do not have the ability to distinguish
between good, great and perfect. Walk slowly, Grasshopper, or you will
fail to see the burger hell in which you live. We have been in your shoes
and have transcended your lowly state. Remember, we care.
April 3, 2000
What's up with the reviews dudes?? I saw your ratings
on Friday and I have yet to see what you two dorks have to say about America's
best burger chain: Fudruckers!!! Too much Basketball for you, or was it
the Three Stooges Marathon on Channel 25 that got you a little behind in your
work. Why don't you leave food reviews up to real columnist that
understands what a deadline is, like Mick Dunne. If you two dorks didn't
suck so much I'd swear you were gravity.
Regretfully,
Scott Jopp, Elk Grove
PS. Go ahead and use my name, because by the time you
finally come around to kickin' my @ss I'll be moved, dead, or another geologic
epoch will be upon us.
Reply: I too await the column updates
with baited breath, but alas my partner is only one man (even that is up for
debate), he is the computer brains behind this operation. I am the
columnist, artistic engineer, and the soul of this column. If there is
some computer glitch or some other highly technical term for crash we are at
the mercy of a technology that few seem to comprehend. I assure that for
all my partner's short comings in taste, style, and command of the writtten
language he is doing all that is humanly possible for this column.
Either that or he is a finalist in "Lord Of the Strap" at Faces
again.
Dr. Meat
March 31, 2000
First of all I
find your column amusing and even a tad harmless, but when are you going to
get on with some reviews? There is a great big world of burgers out
there and I feel you are dinking around with the fast food chains. Have
you no worldliness, do you ever go to a restaurant that doesn't appear on the
Fortune 500 report? A real man could eat at least 2 burgers a day!
I bet in real life you two are a couple of pencil neck geeks trying to compete
with the men in this county. Never send a school teacher to do a man's
job. We need "Rolland the Colon" from KHTK Sports 1140, he at
least can down a double with cheese everyday of the week.
Brock Masters, Citrus Heights
Dear Block,
Unlike "Rolland the Colon" we can write, analyze, and critique with
a bit of expertise. Like a great book or even a good movie you need to
allow time for character and plot development. Life is not an episode of
"Real World" or some porn flick. A great column, like a great
burger takes time and it must be savored.
Dr. Meat
March 26, 2000
Dear Head Burger Guy,
I was crushed to read the following sentence on the home page:
>>Mr. Anklam will not be able to guide the pom-pom team today due to an
injury he received playing Frisbee golf.<<
Please reassure me that his injury won't hinder his burger reviewing
abilities. With spring break fast approaching I think the burger guys are
way overdue for a road trip. This burger aficionado suggests a trip to LA is
in order and a stop at Tommie's is imperative. If at all possible make sure
you visit the Rampart location just off the Hollywood freeway (Rampart exit).
Don't let the bars on the windows of all the neighboring houses discourage you
:-)
Yours in burgers and fries,
A loyal reader from Folsom
Dear Folsom,
I will be reviewing burgers with a vengeance since that's all can do now.
After a serious injury an athlete like myself can only cling to what is real,
and for me that is eating. I will be out and about driving with one hand
and eating with one hand until I can rehab" myself into Olympian form
again. Tearing the medial head of my biceps was painful and it will
impact my life profoundly, but at least I didn't injure my tasting muscles.
Also I have been to the Rampart of LA and I have enjoyed a couple of good
burritos, an excellent chicken dinner (actually in Watts), I was very
unimpressed with the burger offerings there.
Dr. Meat
March 19, 2000
Dear Burger guys,
I am deeply offended that both of you think the middle-class masses are not
up to your particular standards for determining what is "the best"
burger?
Please list all of the criteria you and use for judging, not only the
burger it self but presentation and grease stains on the wrapper. You know,
really, really important stuff. Are the items arranged in the box well or
just jammed in? Do the burgers touch? Are there the same amount of french
fries in every ones box? I have very high expectations all around not just
the burger. How about you?
Dear Deeply Offended,
Once again I repeat
"the Sat -9" scores don't lie. Read the original data and
parameters we set up for this column.
If you were to leave your name I could send you
a "stumped on phonics" home course and maybe you could respond
intelligently toward our elaborate prose.
Dr Meat
Dear Burger Guys,
Are you just teasing us with your comments to emails regarding In-N-Out? You
haven't "officially" given a review, but you're touting their
goodness? Isn't that the cart before the horse?
Also, I would like to see the most recent letters first so I don't have to
scroll down to see what's new. I also spotted a burger place on Rockingham Drive
& Mather Field Road called Burger Station, or Burger Spot, something like
that. It is right next door to LaBou. Their sign looked good. Neon flames saying
"flame broiled." I know nothing about this place, just spotted it
driving by.
Keep up the good work!
-Jan
We are very sorry that we jumped the gun on our review on In-N-Out. Your
comments are very respected by the Burger Guys. We will definitely give
the Burger Station a shot very soon.
Any restaurant with neon flames deserves our review.
Dear Dr. Meat,
I'll address this to you since you are the only one who is man enought to use
his real picture (homely as it is). I am a petite socialite that loves
to tear into a real burger. Sometimes I even wear jeans as a clever
disguise and go to places that I wouldn't be caught dead in to enjoy one of
America's classics. My issue is how can a distinguished upstanding
member of the community such as I enjoy a double with cheese with a certain
air of sophistication
Gold River Sue
Dear Gold River Sue,
You came to the right man, unlike my Neaderthal colleague I have the addendum
to Emily Post's guide to eating. Let me paraphrase: hold the burger with
both hands (I realize Prof. Burger says you need one for your drink but....),
keep your pinkies up, take a bite, place the burger down, and immediately
(this is so important), wipe your mouth and remove any sauces or grease while
chewing. That way you won't have that embarrassing mustard in the corner
of mouth while you worry if your date is analyzing the way you chew. By
wiping and chewing (referred to as WAC in polite circles) you won't have to
concern your proper self and you can hold your head high when you run into
your equally sophisticated neighbors at Bel Air.
Dr. Meat
March 17 2000
Dear Burger Guys,
I love your page, but you really have to try eating at In & Out. It
is the
best burger in the state.
Robert R.
Robert,
Thanks for writing in and being our first contributor. You are, however, going
to have to give us some time to get to some these restaurants. We are
not even officially on-line yet, but In & Out is on the top of our list.
Dr. Meat has to get to In-and-Out. The very best in town, bar none.
So
much better than the rest. One visit there and he will never go back to
any other burger joint, unless of course he absolutely has to have the toys.
An In-and-Out fan.
In-and-Out fan,
The Burger Guys will be dining at your favorite
restaurant this week.
However, let me remind you that The Burger Guys are the experts in this field
and not you. We will tell you what is a good cheeseburger and you will
just agree; we have found that readers are very limited in their knowledge and
need our advice.
Dear Burger Guys,
While I agree completely with your review of Wendy's (yuk!), I felt the other
reviews of the "commercial" fast food places were pretty much right
on. I am glad to see that you are rating the fries also. Because what is a
burger without fries?
Also, I do not understand people who order "iced tea", or
"lemonade" with burgers and fries. This meal of a burger and fries
screams for a "coke." The All-American meal.
I did however, miss your review of Carl's Jr. It was listed, but not readable.
What happened? Am enjoying the reviews so far, keep up the good
work.
Jan
Jan, You are truly a great American, and we salute you. We
too feel your hunger pains.
Every time we dine on a cheeseburger and fries, we wash them down with
America's drink, Coke.
March 15, 2000
Greetings Meat Heads or Meat Loaf or
whatever,
You must try Willies off of Broadway. Greasy, but good
Anonymous
It is very obvious that you are a member of
the lemming rabble without the convictions of identifying yourself.
This may be wise; let the Burger Guys determine if this restaurant is
"good." It is now on our list of establishments to visit
Dear Burger Guys,
As experts
of all things meaty I'm sure you appreciate trying new things. I ask
you then, have either of you ever had a buffalo, emu, or ostrich ostrich
burger? Betty Jo Reese Rosemont
Dear Betty Jo,
I would like to reply to you and the rest of the nonreaders out
there (jeez those SAT-9 scores don't lie do they????), we are reviewing
hamburgers of equal size and proportions....only! No chicken, no
turkey, no "nutty", and especially no wild game burgers.
In the interest of science I have had 1/2 of an emu burger at the state
fair, an ostrich burger in Auburn, a buffalo burger at "Moose
burgers" in East Glacier Park Montana, and a few other burgers I am
not proud to have eaten. It just doesn't feel right to stray so far
away from the one you love; the all American classis 1/3 pound patty with
cheese, and a pile of fresh condiments. Dr. Meat
When you finally leave your safe little
haven and branch out to worldly burgers, you must go to Connies in North
Highlands. Order the double with cheese and you will never go back
to In and Out for their puny burger. Larry Flagler, Alkali Flats
Larry,
All those institution burgers you have consumed at Loaves and Fishes must
have gone to your head and clouded your judgment. Once again, we
tell you where to go, not visa versa! Sure we love to take
suggestions, but we do not take orders from the general population.
About your comments, I am sure you are referring to the number one rating
of In and Out. For our money and our sophisticated taste buds it is
one of the best regional chains out there. All we are saying is you
are on a road trip, cruising down I-5 in your '83 Plymouth Fury wagon and
you are confronted with a barrage of the big 5 burgers and there is an In
and Out in the mess too....Go to In and Out! You won't be
disappointed. We as burger experts realize that there are lots of
small businesses out there that make an awesome product and we hope to
review them all! Dr. Meat
Burger Guys
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